I never thought caving would be something I would indulge myself in. However, when we arrived at Waitomo Caves I was internalising a ball of excitement, big enough to share with everyone in the shuttle bus!
A group of 8 people strong, we were led by Pip and Nikki; two easy going cave junkies that were to make our experience feel like a riot! They kitted us out in soggy, body odour infused wet suits, one of which I’m convinced someone had pissed in and we were set for a round of photos before heading out.
Wrapped tight enough in our less than flattering new threads, we harnessed up -in such a way, I was sure the slightest pressure would relocate my testicles to somewhere just behind my liver, ran through how not to kill ourselves whilst descending into the cave’s gaping jaws, and proceeded to abseil, potentially to our doom and destruction.
Hanging 35 metres above the ground at a stranger’s request, and lowering yourself into the unknown is mind boggling, but you do it!! You trust that you won’t let go of the rope, and aid the walls at turning your face into paté. Straddling various rocks on the way down and experiencing a slight rope burn, I was getting into the spirit of losing skin, but happily reached the bottom.
After the final two made their way down, we were a group reunited. Climbing up and over jagged rocks, slick with cool water running down them in tiny strands, and found ourselves at a zip wire overlooking a dark cavern.
Nikki ushered forward the first poor unfortunate soul (Nathan), strapped him in and begun to run him through safety procedures; pretty standard right? I thought so until panic stricken, Nikki accidently dropped the rope! BYE NATHAN!! My heart flew out of my ass, so I can only imagine the terror he felt. I was convinced he was now chutney on the rocks below, until a light illuminated him very much alive on the opposite side, and I turned to our instructor laughing her tits off.
A class act this dame; an untrustworthy little deviant, but a woman after my own heart.
We all had our turn, and the most surreal aspect? Seeing hundreds upon hundreds of glowworms, studding the walls and ceiling like a a star had sneezed, and forgot to cover it’s glittery little mouth. Once safely back together, we sat legs dangling over a rock face just above a river. Being treated to flapjacks and hot chocolate, I felt slightly euphoric. So grinning, I turned to the nearest body (Maethi) to share in my being dumfoubded at what we were doing. We laughed, toasted an occasion we both knew could not be replicated and continued to feed of such good vibes.
Finishing up, our next task as a group was to jump into the river below, with a rubber ring attached to our butts. It was like skinny dipping in the 9th circle of hell. Yet with great excitement, we dragged ourselves along the wall, off downstream at our instructors request. We stopped for a brief lesson on the glowworm and it’s phosphorescent shit -yep, it’s glow is a chemical reaction causing it’s poo to appear luminous- and then formed a chain of bodies, floated back singing a medley of Disney and 80’s hits, slid down a slide like oddly human penguins and stopped so I could take an “adventure wee”.
Feeling relieved I caught up to the group, as we approached our first waterfall. Not huge but big enough to jump from, we launched ourselves into the icy abyss. All of this lunacy involving jumping from heights and into icy waters, was enough to addle my brain…but it was so good, I felt addicted to the rush of it all! Competitively we shimmied, climbed, crawled, dived and swam ever deeper into the depths.
We arrived in good time at a large dark opening, standing potentially on a walkway. Then with dramatic execution, Pip and Nikki turned on some floodlights and soaked the once shrouded stalactites and stalagmites in artificial light. It felt so primal, so ancient and how could this be made any better I hear you ask? A cup of a warm orange tango equivalent and a block of chocolate.
Once we’d had our fill we continued on as we had two more waterfalls to climb, but not before squeezing through the tiniest of spaces. We were making such good time, that we were able to chance crawling through a space no wider than a letter box….well obviously I’m lying! It was however small enough to be fear inducing. Fellow comrade Gina saw the potential flaws in this plan, it seemed as though claustrophobia was about to win out, so I offered a view of my ample glutes by going in front, and calm descended once more.
You feed heavily off of the adrenalie in times like these; being heightened more so by the contagious positivity of your company. This was a point reinforced by a unanimous vote to send me through the next “tight squeeze”, my name being chanted as I was offered to the crack in the wall like a virgin sacrifice. Overly enthused I went.
A decent hight off of the ground, we cautiously cambered through until we reached a narrow tunnel, slick with gloopy mud. Naturally passing through, turned into a competition of who-could-come-out-looking-like-a-fresh-turd, so I dived in and rubbed that crap all over my hairy brown mug! Feeling satisfied I emerged feeling triumphant, only to see the title be awarded to Nathan. I still believe it to be a travesty…
Washing away my momentary failure, in a stream offering us frostbite and the onset of pneumonia, we also became aware of our next waterfall. We made our way to the cascading h20, Pip and Nikki took their positions and each one of us climbed up like pallid cave monkeys. Stopping briefly to pet Cecil the resident eel, we moved on to the next; we were speeding through! I could feel muscles I didn’t know existed, trying to over extend my limbs and haul myself over various rocks. We did it though, cheering each other on and bonding through the sheer madness of it all.
Exiting the cave through a rocky opening and spilling into the night, we found ourselves at our pick point. Escorted back to base, we were grateful for warm showers and chatted feverishly about our shared experience. I, like a colossal prat, forgot a clean change of shorts, but thanks to our amazing instructors, was introduced to a rather silky replacement pair. More concerned about eating thank my 90’s high school gym shorts, I followed the rest in goof spirits to the lobby, there we enjoyed hot soup and she’d load of bagels, and ushered out the last of the day.
We survived! And quite frankly, it as epic.
#amibeargryllsnow?
BoyHog 